47 Things That Never Happen on Star Trek

Do you have creative writing skills?? Think you can charm the masses with a story or two?? Perhaps you can create a mini-toon based on Armada. Then give it a go right here.

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47 Things That Never Happen on Star Trek

Post by JPKTrekker » Thu Jun 02, 2005 12:02 pm

This parody is rated:

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sickbay.
6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
8. A power surge on the Bridge is fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a "fuse."
9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, stange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in no way connected with the 20th century.
15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Homeworld on a bright, sunny day.
19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
22. Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
23. Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
24. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.
26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"
27. When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."
28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.
29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck. (Pity this wasn't done in "Cause and Effect" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape!)
30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
32. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.
34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hotflush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
36. Data falls in love with the replicator.
37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
41. Kirk's hair remains consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
42. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt.
43. Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight.
44. Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
45. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.
46. Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
47. The episode ends without Bones and Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrows!
"Until Hell calls my name!"
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Post by Elrond » Thu Jun 02, 2005 12:36 pm

Haha. I love that - the image is hella funny too!
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Post by CmdrJack » Thu Jun 02, 2005 3:19 pm

Hahahaha. I like that

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Post by Elrond » Thu Jun 02, 2005 3:37 pm

48. Kirk says to Spock, "Dear God...SPOCK! Get those tribbles......out of...your pants!"
49. Instead of being so sensitive about his personal emotions, Picard says, "I'm a bad-butt gangsta - I don't let nothin botha me, bro!"
50. Worf says, "It's Vader time!"
51. An invention that causes immortality is made by an emotionally disturbed person that the Enterprise crew meets and the invention actually works!
52. Some insignificant phenomenon actually turns out to be insignificant.
53. The torpedoes and phasers don't make any sounds when fired (which is the way it would be in space).
54. Picard says, "**** the Prime Directive!"
55. A Bajoran actually refers to the Prophets as the "Aliens residing in the Wormhole."
56. Picard and his crew have a ho-down!
57. Data actually skips questioning someone about some aspect of humanity.
58. Someone other than Picard or Data ends up being the hero of the movie.
59. Picard actually gives the order to destroy an enemy ship before they disable the Enterprise's shields and fires.
60. Picard says, "buk derk derk-ala...derka derka...muhammed gihad...hacca shirpa shirpa muhammed gihad".
61. Worf says something like, "this bed is too firm. I want something more comfy."
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Post by jolt » Thu Jun 02, 2005 3:42 pm

Classic Stuff!

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Post by JPKTrekker » Thu Jun 02, 2005 4:50 pm

Elrond, that is some quality stuff you added. :lol:
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Post by Captain_H » Thu Jun 02, 2005 5:11 pm

:lol: :lol: :D :)
Very nice and funny. The warning fits the thread.
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Post by blindeye01 » Thu Jun 02, 2005 7:37 pm

62. Enterprise encountering the Empire or the Rebel Alliance.
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Post by Elrond » Thu Jun 02, 2005 8:19 pm

63. The Federation encountering the Elves.
64. The Federation encountering the Universal Conquerers.
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Post by blindeye01 » Thu Jun 02, 2005 8:37 pm

65. Borg Tribbles
66. Death Star
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Post by Elrond » Thu Jun 02, 2005 9:12 pm

Now that's good, blindeye. Two of them, but very freakin funny! :D
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Post by JPKTrekker » Thu Jun 02, 2005 9:18 pm

67. A Mirror Universe that was good (So far the 2 encountered in T.O.S. were evil).
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Post by blindeye01 » Thu Jun 02, 2005 10:28 pm

68. An officer without all of his arms and legs.
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Post by MajorPayne » Fri Jun 03, 2005 1:23 am

JPKTrekker. What have you been told about this kind of posting where you use material that has been posted on another site?? If this happens again I'll start clicking the old delete button.

Also your posting threads and replies at the speed you are is going to result in a halved post count. Consider yourself warned.

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Post by JPKTrekker » Fri Jun 03, 2005 1:40 am

MajorPayne wrote:JPKTrekker. What have you been told about this kind of posting where you use material that has been posted on another site?? If this happens again I'll start clicking the old delete button.

Also your posting threads and replies at the speed you are is going to result in a halved post count. Consider yourself warned.
Understood. By your command. I will work on decreasing my post rate. I will also make sure to check all the sites I can to be sure that I am not posting anything that can be found elsewhere.
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