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blindeye01
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Joke Thread

Post by blindeye01 »

I felt we could use a thread where we can share our jokes.

Here's one to get the thread started:

Two men are out hunting, and one of them falls to the ground. His eyes are glazed over as he convulses and then stops cold.

The other hunter whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He says "I think my friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator calmly replies "First, lets make sure he is dead."

Over the line, there is silence, and then a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the line and says "Okay, now what?"
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Post by blindeye01 »

Here's another:

Three men are taken prisoner by natives on an island, and the chief says to them "We are going to eat two of you, and one of you we will let go. We will put each of you in that hut, and whoever can do the most amazing thing with whats in there will be freed."

The first man goes in, and sees there are two massive stone balls, and he uses his might to push them to opposite corners of the room, and impresses the natives.

The second man lifts the two balls over his head, and the natives are more impressed.

These first two men watch in horror as they let the third man go. The chief says "What that man did was by far most impressive, so I'm afraid we are going to eat you."

The men ask "Can we at least know what he did?"

The chief replies "He broke one ball and lost the other."
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Post by USS_Nova »

Man 1: You are gonna die, but not today.

Man 2: How's that?

Man 1: Heaven want's nothing to do with you and hell is afraid you take over the place.
Its been a while.
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Post by USS_Nova »

*bump*

Things Not to Hear During Surgery

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor — we're going to need a mop.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that ! Bad Dog !
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that ?
Hand me that.... uh.... that uh.... thingie.
Oh no ! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops ! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before ?
Darn, there goes the light again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of them.
Everybody stand back ! I lost my contact lens !
Could you stop that thing from beating ? It's throwing my concentration off..
What's this doing here ?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
That's cool ! Now can you make his leg twitch ?
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right ?
Anyone see where I left that scalpel ?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct ?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card ?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
FIRE ! FIRE ! Everyone get out now !!
Darn ! Page 47 of the manual is missing !
Its been a while.
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Post by Hellkite »

A woman walked into a pet store ."I haven't got much money ," she told the clerk" Would you let a kitten go cheap?" " I'd let them ma'am ." the clerk said.
"But they prefer to meow ."
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Post by Hellkite »

During a heated debate about Iraq , one congressman said," Let's just give the Iraqis our constitution . It worked for over 200years ."

Another congressman said, " That's a great idea. Besides, this country isn't using it anymore "
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Post by USS_Nova »

Hellkite wrote:During a heated debate about Iraq , one congressman said," Let's just give the Iraqis our constitution . It worked for over 200years ."

Another congressman said, " That's a great idea. Besides, this country isn't using it anymore "
lol :lol:
Its been a while.
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Post by Hellkite »

What do a sperm and a lawyer have in common?

They each have one in a million chance of becoming human.
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Post by blindeye01 »

A man and his wife were packing for a trip to Jamaica from New York. The wife had business, so she would leave a day later.

The husband wrote down her email at work to tell her how the hotel was.

When he arrived, he sent the email, but miswrote the email by one letter.

Simultaneously in Kansas, the widow of a baptist preacher who had died one year before opened her emails, gasped, and died. Her family rushed in, and saw the message that had killed her:

Hi honey, everything is all set for your arrival. I'm expecting you very soon. I've made sure we will get the best treatment. I love you.

P.S. Sure is hot down here
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Post by Harrie »

Bush bashing, my new sport.

Bush and Powell Plan World War III

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"

George W. Bush Meets Moses

George W. Bush was walking through an airport last week, when he saw an old man with white hair, a long white beard, wearing a long white robe and holding a staff. He walked up to the man, who was staring at the ceiling, and "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?"

The man stood perfectly still and continued to stare at the ceiling, saying nothing. Again, George W. asked, a little louder this time, "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" Again, the old man stared at the ceiling motionless without saying a word. George W. tried a third time, louder yet. "Excuse me sir, aren't you Moses?" Again, no movement or words from the old man. He continued to stare at the ceiling.

One of George W's aides asked him if there was a problem, and George W. said, "Either this man is deaf or extremely rude. I have asked him three times if he was Moses, and he has not answered me yet." To which the man, still staring at the ceiling finally replied to the aide, "I can hear him and yes, I am Moses, but the last time I spoke to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness."

Tips From Ghosts of Presidents Past

One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," W asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises.

Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe answers: "Go see a play."
The Roman Empire did not create prosperity and come to be feared by having meetings and doing paperwork; they did this by killing all who opposed them.
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Post by Porty »

DINNER CONVERSATION GONE WRONG

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)

HUSBAND: (makes loud groan)

WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"

HUSBAND: "I guess so."

WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."

WIFE: ---silence--

HUSBAND: "Sh*t."
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Post by cecilzero1 »

Porty wrote:DINNER CONVERSATION GONE WRONG

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)

HUSBAND: (makes loud groan)

WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"

HUSBAND: "I guess so."

WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."

WIFE: ---silence--

HUSBAND: "Sh*t."
ah i rember that one sent it to me awhile ago lol
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Post by USS_Nova »

More Bush Bashing! ^,^

Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing sugeries they had performed.

One of them said: "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident, and I reattached them, and eigth months latter he proformed a private concert for the Queen of England ."

One of the others said:" That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and he won a gold medal in five field events in the Olympics."

The thrid surgeon said: "You guys are amaters. Serveral years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling at 80 miles an hour. All I had to left to work with was the horse's butt and a cowboy hat. Now he's the President of the United
States"





Bush, Einstein and Picasso at the Pearly Gates Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove
yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
Its been a while.
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Post by blindeye01 »

Jesus and Moses were playing golf, and Moses tells Jesus "use the 3-wood to get over the lake." Jesus says "I'll use the 7-iron. If Tiger Woods can, I can."

Jesus's ball lands in the lake. Jesus then says "Do you mind parting the lake so I can get the ball?" Moses says "sure, but I won't get your ball out of the lake again if you use that club again."

Jesus says "no sweat. If Tiger Woods can do it, I can." Once again the ball goes in the lake.

Moses watches as Jesus walks over the water to find the ball. By now the other group of golfers behind them caught up.

The first golfer looks and says "who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ!"

Moses replies "no, he think's he's Tiger Woods."
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Post by AFC »

Warning read at own risk

Contractor Joke

I've been painting for years they don't call me a painter.
I've been roofing for years they don't call be a roofer.
I suck one cock they call me a cock sucker :evil:

I have to older guys working for me and there nuts, tell jokes all day long They smoke pot every day. I don't care as long as they work hard :D
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