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Harrie
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Post by Harrie »

Ok there was this farm and he had three goregous daughters (aren't they... mostly all). Well one friday night they all had dates. Their father decided it would be prudent to greet the suitors.

at about 8 o'clock the first boy showed up. The father opens the door. The first thing the boy sees is the Shotgun.

"well... What are your intentions?" The father asks.

The boy starts to sweat. "uh... my name is Joe, I'm here for Floe, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" He pulls at his collar as the farmer looks him up and down.

"Alright back by nine."

A few minutes later there is a knock at the door. The Father opens the door and the boy starts to sweat. "What are your intentions?"

"I-I-I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're going for spaghetti." the Farmer look at him.

"Well Spaghetti sound resonable."

Several minutes pass and just as it seems the third boy won't show there comes a knock at the door. The father opens the door.

"What are your intentions?"

"My name is Tucker..." The shotgun goes off.
The Roman Empire did not create prosperity and come to be feared by having meetings and doing paperwork; they did this by killing all who opposed them.
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blindeye01
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Post by blindeye01 »

How about this:

Alabama State Drivers' License Application

Last name: _____________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: _______ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________****
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________****
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (check all that apply)
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure,leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup:
_____________ 194__

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No
If no, please explain:
___________________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___

Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] Not Applicable

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Copenhagen

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] < 2 miles
[_] > 2 miles
[_] don't know

**************

One Express Ticket to Hell Please, non-smoking preferred. :twisted:
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Harrie
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Post by Harrie »

The following questions and answers were collated from SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16-year-old students! (That's high school juniors!!!) (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What's a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs
The Roman Empire did not create prosperity and come to be feared by having meetings and doing paperwork; they did this by killing all who opposed them.
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blindeye01
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Post by blindeye01 »

Law Enforcement Humor:

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
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blindeye01
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Post by blindeye01 »

«Who is blindeye01?»
«blindeye01 - to feel free!»
«blindeye01 for the masses.»
«Praise blindeye01.»
«The one and only blindeye01.»
«blindeye01, good.»
«blindeye01, the original.»
«Where's blindeye01?»
«There's a bit of blindeye01 in all of us.»
«blindeye01? You bet.»
«Halleluja, it's a blindeye01.»
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Elrond
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Post by Elrond »

blindeye01 wrote:How about this:

Alabama State Drivers' License Application

Last name: _____________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: _______ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________****
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________****
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (check all that apply)
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure,leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup:
_____________ 194__

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No
If no, please explain:
___________________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___

Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] Not Applicable

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Copenhagen

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] < 2 miles
[_] > 2 miles
[_] don't know

**************

One Express Ticket to Hell Please, non-smoking preferred. :twisted:

This is the funniest one I've ever seen! Classic!
Despite my relative inactivity for over a decade here, I am not so blind nor idle to the goings-on of, let's say, 'certain communities', as one may perhaps believe. Some would do well to keep this in mind.
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Zered003
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Post by Zered003 »

Oh that one is funny. I agree with Elrond on that. :lol: :lol:
I enjoy the moments of peace and quite.
You know, when you dont think about anything.
I enjoy all 3 seconds of the day when that happens.
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jolt
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Post by jolt »

Hehehe, Billy-Bob definitely :P
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Elrond
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Post by Elrond »

Bobby-Beth Ann Sue - hahahahahahaha! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Despite my relative inactivity for over a decade here, I am not so blind nor idle to the goings-on of, let's say, 'certain communities', as one may perhaps believe. Some would do well to keep this in mind.
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jolt
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Post by jolt »

Alabama State Drivers' License Application

Last name: Joe

First name: (Check appropriate box)
[/] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: 33 years young (if unsure, guess)
Sex: Yes please.
Shoe Size: Both

Occupation:
[/] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: Colene Joe
2nd Spouse's Name: Brandene Something
3rd Spouse's Name: Luv?
Lover's Name: Caleen (or is that my first spouse, me forget's)
2nd Lover's Name: I don't know, I sure as heck want one!

Relationship with spouse: (check all that apply)
[/] Sister [/] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [/] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: 6
Number of children living in shed: 5
Number of children that are yours: 16

Mother's Name: Shanene
Father's Name: Leave Blank

Education: 1.5

Do you [/] own or [/] rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
16 (as many as my young'uns) Total number of vehicles you own
2 Number of vehicles that still crank
4 Number of vehicles in front yard
8 Number of vehicles in back yard
4 Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
3 truck 4 kitchen
6 bedroom 1 bathroom
7 shed

Model and year of your pickup:
Blue 1949

Do you have a gun rack?
[/] Yes [_] No
If no, please explain:
___________________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[/] Rifle and Shotgun

4 Number of times you've seen a UFO
4 Number of times you've seen Elvis
4 and 4 make 8 Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

What is bathing?

How many teeth? those things in ma mouth, yeah, there's 16 of them, like the amount o' guns I got!

Color of teeth:
[/] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] Not Applicable

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [/] Copenhagen

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] < 2 miles
[_] > 2 miles
[/] don't know

**************
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Post by Hellkite »

LOL Jolt
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blindeye01
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Post by blindeye01 »

New Computer Viruses Identified


Lorena Bobbit Virus- turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
Woody Allen Virus- bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.
Tonya Harding Virus- turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
Paul Revere Virus- warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\.
Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus- instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
Ollie North Virus- plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
Joey Buttafuaco Virus- only attacks minor files.
Michael Jackson Virus- preys on child processes.
Ronald Reagan Virus- saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
Jane Fonda Virus- attacks your hard drive's FAT.
AT&T Virus- Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI Virus- Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Politically Correct Virus- Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Ross Perot Virus- Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus- Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Government Economist Virus- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Federal Beaurocrat Virus- Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
Adam and Eve Virus- Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
Congressional Virus #1- The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Congressional Virus #2- Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Airline Virus- You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian Virus- Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
PBS Virus- Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus- Your programs can never be found again.
LAPD Virus- It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
O.J. Virus- It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
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Post by JPKTrekker »

Q. #1: How is a well-dressed man different from a warm dog?
A. #1: A well-dressed man wears a complete suit. A warm dog just pants.

Q. #2: What is the best way to keep a pet rabbit?
A. #2: Don't return it.
"Until Hell calls my name!"
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blindeye01
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Post by blindeye01 »

The Top 15 Reasons For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us

15. A little too much joie de vivre while demonstrating the erector set, if you know what I mean.

14. Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."

13. You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.

12. Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display.

11. You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.

10. Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.

9. The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling.

8. Impromptu demonstrations of why Malibu Ken is not anatomically correct.

7. Got caught doing your Dolly Parton impression with basketballs again.

6. Source of reefer smoke finally traced to "nostrils" of Geoffrey the Giraffe.

5. Jaws of Life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.

4. Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack."

3. Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post-Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.

2. Too many reports from people who swear they saw Geoffrey the Giraffe in a leather bar.

. . . and the Number 1 Reason For Being Fired From Toys 'R' Us . . .

1. Regardless of the question, you answer, "Bite me, kid -- I R on break."
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Independence is my happiness, and I view things as they are, without regard to place or person; my country is the world, and my religion is to
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