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jolt
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Post by jolt »

Hehe, funny.

I didn't know where to put this but this seem's appropriate.

What do you get if you cross a Grand Prix and a faulty tire...

The Indianapolis F1 2005 race!
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Post by blindeye01 »

Q: Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars.

Q: What happened to the Polish National Library?
A: Someone stole the book.

Q: What are the two biggest Polish lies?
A: The check's in your mouth, and I won't come in the mail.

Q: What do you do if a Pole throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.

Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?
A: Yellow in the front, Brown in the back!

Q: How do you know if a Pole has been using a computer?
A: There's whiteout on the screen.

Q: What's delaying the Polish space program?
A: Development of a working match.

Q: How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.

Q: How do you ruin a Polish party?
A: Flush the punch bowl.

Q: What happens when a Pole doesn't pay his garbage bill?
A: They stop delivering.



Cold War Joke . . .

Three wealthy men are on a yatch. An American, a russian, and a Pole.

Wanting to show off his wealth, the american shows the men that he has a suitcase of dollar bills. He then throws the suitcase full of money into the ocean and it sinks. When the other two men ask why he did such a crazy thing he says. .

"In my country, there are many more where that came from."

The russian, not wanting to be outdone by the American goes to his cabin and brings back a suitcase of rubles, shows it to the other two men and throws it over the side of the boat. When the Pole asks why he did such a thing, he says. . .

"In my country, there are many more of those."

The Pole, feeling as he must also do something, picks up the Russian and throws him into the water. The American can't believe it and asks why he would do such a thing. . .

"In my country. . . "



Two Polish Pilots are approaching an airfield they've never been to before.

The co-pilot says, "Wow that runway looks awfully short."

"Yeah," says the pilot, "Better put the flaps at 30 degrees."

They get closer and the pilot says, "Jeez, it's shorter than you would think. Set the flaps to 45 degrees." But the runway is still too short.

When they get to the end of the runway, they cut their sped to nothing, set the flaps to 90 degrees, and drop nearly straight down.

The co-pilot says, "Man that runway is short."

And the pilot answers, "Yeah, but it sure is wide."



Did you hear about the guy that was half Polish and half Italian?

He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.



One ticket to hell please...non smoking........
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Post by Achilles »

Any chance you're German Blindeye ;)

3 explorers find an island and get taken hostage by cannibals.

The chief asks the first man what his last wish is.

The man asks for a stiff drink and a smoke.

The chief claps his hands and the tribe brings fourth some huge and rich tasing cigars and the chief's finest ferment. Then they leave the man to enjoy them, once an hour is up they gut the man, turn him inside out and use him as a canoe.

The chief asks the second man what his last wish is.

The man gulps at the site of the tribes new boat and thinks hard then asks for a beautiful woman.

The chief claps his hands and the man is shown into a tent containing the cheifs 12 daughters, each one more beautiful than any woman the man has seen. He is left to enjoy himself for an hour then he is killed and again turned into a canoe.

The chief asks the third man what his last wish is.

The man asks for a fork.

The chief is hesitant for a while but then claps his hand, a tribesman brings fourth a dinner fork and leaves the man who then starts to stab himself with it...

"Drown you b****rds!"


This and one much more adult joke are the only two that ever stick.
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Post by jolt »

Hahaha, i get it :)
Engage!


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Post by blindeye01 »

What I am alone is practically a joke:

3/8 Sicilian
1/4 German/Austrian
1/8 Scottish/Irish
1/8 French/Swiss
Some very small part Cherokee Indian, with the rest distributed among the others a little bit.

Yeah, thats 8 Nationalities

I look like a Polish Jew to my friends though (Blond Haired/Blue Eyed).

I have nothing against polish people, its just that on Fark there was a story about Polish business and everyone posted their favorite Polish jokes.
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Post by Harrie »

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.

He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! "

Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!"
The Roman Empire did not create prosperity and come to be feared by having meetings and doing paperwork; they did this by killing all who opposed them.
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Post by blindeye01 »

Cartoon Law I.

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Example: Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.

Cartoon Law II.

Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III.

Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV.

The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V.

All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI.

As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII.

Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot. This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII.

Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX.

For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
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Post by Porty »

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by airline pilots for a
major Australian airline and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, the airline is question is also the only major airline that
has never had an accident!

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto-pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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Post by fetalmonkey »

this is why i dont fly
he will be missed
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Post by blindeye01 »

These were some memos found in the trash behind the primary building of the FBI (Federal Bureau of Incompetents) in Washington, D.C. They're probably classified information, and possession of them on your computer system no doubt is considered a federal offense. Enjoy!

To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir: This small Wacko cult isn't giving in. Do you have any instructions?
Agent 2x3276

To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent: Try playing "Feelings" over and over again 24 hours a day. That should get the point across.
The Director

To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir: Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately, playing "Feelings" over and over again 24 hours a day has succeeded only in convincing the Wacko folks that the end of the world is at hand. They're a bit less cooperative now. Any more suggestions?
Agent 2x3276

To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent: Add searchlights at night. And add to the playlist something by The Partridge Family.
Still The Director

To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir: They like the Partridge Family.
Agent 2x3276

To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent: Sickos.
STD

To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir: We're getting bored out here. Can we go in now?
Agent 2x3276

To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent: Not until we've wiped their reputation a bit. Notify the reporters about Koresh's sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
The Director and Producer

To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir: We have no substantiated reports of sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
Agent 2x3276

To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent: Do you have a point?
The Brilliant

To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir: Unsubstantiated rumors of baby frog abuse will not withstand scrutiny.
Agent 2x3276

To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent: What scrutiny are you expecting, agent? Who's going to stand up for a cult leader who's abused baby frogs?
Better than Brilliant

To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir: We've had a tiny accident at the compound.
Agent 2x3276

To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent: How tiny?
Better than Brilliant, but slighty Worried

To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir: It kind of like, burned down. Sort of. Sir.
Agent 2x3276

To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent: Notify the press the cultists committed mass suicide by burning down their compound.
Brilliant, Almost Godlike

To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir: We haven't gathered any evidence at all yet, let alone of a mass suicide.
Pretty Good Agent 2x3276

To: ATF Agent 2x3276
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent: Do you have a point? Try to remain more formal in your memos.
The BAG Director

To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir: No sir, thank you sir.
Agent 2x3276

To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: President Billy Bob Clinton
Will: What the hell are you folks doing over there?
Bill

To: President William Clinton
~From: FBI Director William Sessions
Sir: Just doing our best to maintain law and order on a cult of baby-frog-abusing Partridge Family fans, sir.
Director Sessions

To: FBI Director William Sessions
~From: President Billy Bob Clinton
Will:
Oh. Okay.
Mr. Bill

To: Members of the Press
~From: President William Clinton
Dear Members of the Press:
The FBI has informed me of a tiny error they've made. I take full reponsibility. It wasn't my fault.
The President
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Post by dubester »

blindeye01 wrote:Very interesting. But I'll raise you this one:

State mottos as they probably would be
if the truth be told:

Alabama: At Least We're Not Mississippi
Alaska: God It's Cold Up Here
Arizona: God It's Hot Down Here
Arkansas: Litterisy Ain't Everything
California: As Seen On TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: North Of New York
Delaware: See Maryland
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids!
Georgia: Putting The Mental In Fundamentalism
Hawaii: Oka Haka Ooli Ebo Waliwali Mula (Go Home Whiteboy But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well, Okay, Just Potatoes
Illinois: Remember Us?
Indiana: Two Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Where Underachievers Can Achieve
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Tennessee's Neighbor
Louisiana: Where Food Is Hot And Crosses Burn
Maine: No, This Is Not Canada
Maryland: Outside The Beltway
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan: Clearance Sale
Minnesota: What Do You Mean We Talk Funny?
Mississippi: Raise 'Em Up Right - God n Guns!
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Dollars At Work
Montana: Your Militia Is Safe Here
Nebraska: We're Located Somewhere In The Center
Nevada: You Bet!
New Hampshire: Just Leave Us The Hell Alone
New Jersey: You Want A Motto? I Got Your $&%#@ Motto!
New Mexico: Like Old Mexico, Only Less
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent...
North Carolina: You Can't PROVE Tobacco Causes Cancer
Ohio: Don't Judge Us Until You See Indiana
Oklahoma: We're Texas Without A Coast
Oregon: Not Every State Can Have A Personality
Pennsylvania: Home Of The Other Turnpike
Rhode Island: We Don't Know Why It's Called "Island" Either
South Carolina: South Of North Carolina
Tennessee: We're Kentucky But With Cities
Texas: Se Habla Ingles
Utah: Like Georgia, Only Mormon
Vermont: Canadian Money Accepted Here
Virginia: Sort Of The South, But With Fewer Guns
Washington: We Used To Live In California
Washington, D.C.: Bringing The Third World To The U.S.
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - REALLY!
Wisconsin: Who Cut The Cheese?
Wyoming: Proving You Don't Need A City To Be A State
well maybe for alaske isn't fully true it has been really warm here lately
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Post by dubester »

OK here is one:

A guy asks this painter to paint him, custer's Battle at little big horn.
the Painter says ok to this.
after a week the painter give the guy his painting.
"What this isn't what I wanted" says the man.
The painter says,"You wanted Battle at little big horn correct?"
"well yea." says the man
"well this it Custer said Holy cow, look at all those F*ing Indians."the painter said.
Cows with halos over their head and Indians F*ing were on the painting.
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Post by blindeye01 »

What?!?!
Thats funny

Heres one:

Subject: knowing if you are a nerd.

* If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
* If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner.
* If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
* If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas.
* If Dilbert is your hero.
* If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE.
* If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes.
* If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail (yes this is me!!).
* If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.
* If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place.
* If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
* If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car.
* If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
* If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.
* If you window shop at Radio Shack.
* If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies.
* If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
* If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run.
* If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment.
* If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is.
* If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven.
* If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush.
* If you own "Official Star Trek" anything.
* If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
* If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
* If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.
* If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor.
* If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
* If you have never backed-up your hard drive.
* If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud.
* If you truly believe aliens are living among us.
* If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
* If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is".
* If you see a good design and still have to change it.
* If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
* If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.
* If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind.
* If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are.
* If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
* If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
* If you have more toys than your kids.
* If you need a checklist to turn on the TV.
* If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name.
* If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.
* If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.
* If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it.
* If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.
* If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already.
* If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for.
* If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal.
* If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use.
* If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
* If people groan at the party when you pick out the music.
* If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week.
* If you did the sound system for your senior prom.
* If your checkbook always balances.
* If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
* If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
* If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
* If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
* If you spend more on your home computer than your car.
* If you know what <http:/ stands for.
* If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio.
* If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.
* If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
* If your lap-top computer costs more than your car.
* If your 4 basic food groups are: 1.Caffeine 2.Fat 3.Sugar 4.Chocolate
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Post by jolt »

"Doctor, will I be able to play the piano anymore?"
"Why, yes."
"Well I couldn't before!"
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Post by blindeye01 »

Acronyms

Acronym:
Another Cheap Round Of Network Yawn Makers.

Adidas:
Advertising Does Influence Dumb Asshole's Selection.
All Day I Dream About Sex.

AI (Artificial Intelligence):
Artificial Idiot.
Artificial Insecticides.
Automatic Insecticide.

AMC (American Motor Co.):
All Makes of Cars.
Almost Makes Corners.

Amiga (computers):
A Merely Insignificant Games Addition.
Asinine Machine Invented for Gaming Adolescents.

APL:
All Programming Languages.

APPALLING:
Acronym Production, Partiularly At Lavish Levels, Is No Good.

Apple:
All Programmers Pursuing Legal Ends.

butt:
Advanced Sensor System.

Audi:
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence.

BASIC:
Beginners All shoot Instruction Code.

BNR (Bengal Nagpur Railway):
Bribes Never Refused.

Big Mac:
Business Is Gonna Mutilate Another Cow.

Bitch:
Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Charming and Horny.

BMW (Bavarian Motor Works):
Babbling Mechanical Wrench.
Bart, Muni, Walk (San Francisco transportation).
Basic Marin (county, Ca.) Wheels.
Beastly, Monstrous Wonder.
Beautiful Masterpiece on Wheels.
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder.
Big Money Waste.
Big Money, Why?.
Big Money Works.
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck.
Born Moderately Wealthy.
Bought My Wife.
Break My Window.
Broken Money Waster.
Broken Monstrous Wonder.
Brutal Money Waster.
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch.

BNR:
Built, Never Runs.

Boeing:
Broken Off Engines In Numerous Gardens.

BB&CI (Bombay Baroda & Central India Railway):
Beastly, Bad and Cannot Improve.

Buick:
Big Ugly Import Car Killer.
Big Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer.
Butt Ugly In Central Kentucky.

CBM:
Crash-prone Buggy Machines.

CCBS:
Close Cover Before Striking.

Chevrolet:
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips.
Car Has Extensive Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips.

Chevy:
Charged HEaVilY.
Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet.
Cruddy Hick Engine, Very Yucky.
Cheap Heap Eats Valves Yearly

Chrysler:
Collection of Half Realized Yet Somehow Likable Engineering Research.

COBOL:
Compiles Only Because Of Luck.
Considered Obsolete By Other Languages.

COTERIE:
Clear Only to Those Earlier Reached, Initiated, and Educated.

CNN (Cable News Network):
Clear Only to Those Earlier Reached, Initiated, and Educated.
Crosseyed News Network.

DEC (Digital Equipment Corp.):
Delay in Error Correction.

Dildo:
Deep Inter-Labial Device for Orgasm.

Dodge:
Dead On Delivery, Go Easy.
Dead On Delivery Guarantee Expired.
Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter.
Department Of Defense's Grossest Error.
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere.

DOS (disc operating system):
Damned Obfuscated shoot.

EPCOT (Experimental Prototype Community Of Tommorow):
Employee Paychecks Come On Thursday.
Every Person Comes Out Tired.
Experimental Polyester Costumes Of Tomorrow.
Extremely Profitable Corporation Of Today.

Fiat:
Failure In Automotive Technology.
Fix It Again, Tony.
Fix It 'Alla Time.
Fucked In the butt Twice.
Futile Italian Attempt at Transportation.

Fila (shoes):
First In Ladies Attention.
Found In Lowlife's Apparel.

Ford:
Fails On Rainy Days.
First On Race Day.
First On Rainy Days.
First On Recall Day.
First On Road to Dump.
First On Rust and Deterioration.
Fix Or Repair Daily.
Flip Over, Read Directions.
Found On Road Dead.
Found On Rubbish Dump.
Fraternal Order of Restored DeSoto's.
F*cked On Race Day.
F*cked Over Rebuilt Dodge.
F*cker Only Runs Downhill.
F*cking Obsolete Road Device.

F*ck:
First Unitarian Church of Kensington (really existed in Ca.).

GE (General Electric):
Grossly Expensive.

GIP (Great Indian Peninsular Railway):
Great Improvement Possible.

GM (General Motors):
General Maintenence.

GMC (General Motors Corp.):
Garage Man's Companion.
Generally Mediocre Cars.
Get More Chicks.
Got a Mechanic Coming.
Got More poop.

GNU:
GNU's Not Upgraded.

GTO:
Get Tires Often.

IBM: IBM, UBM, we all BM for IBM.
I Became Macintosh.
I Been hipMotized.
I Beg Mercy.
I Believe in Mediocrity.
I Blame Microsoft.
I Bought Macintosh.
I Built Macintosh.
Icky Blue Machines.
Idiotic Bull Meter.
Idiots Become Managers.
Idiots' Bewilderment Machines.
Idiots Bought Me.
Idiots Bumblers and Morons.
Idolized By Morons.
[PAUSE]
Idolized By Morons.
I'll Buy Macintosh.
Illustrative of Bad Marketing.
I'm Being Mobbedwithwhatdoesibmstandforanswers.
I'm Being Moved.
I'm Bloody Mad.
Imitation Burrough's Machine.
Immense Bins of Money.
Immense Bowel Movement.
Immense Bucket of Manure.
Imperialism By Marketing.
Impossible to Become Macintosh.
Impractical, But Marketable.
In a Befuddled Manner.
In Bleakest Mordor.
In Business for Money.
Incest Breeds Morons.
Increasingly Becoming Moot.
Incredible Bunch of Muffinheads.
Incredible Bundle of Money.
Incredibly Barbaric Marchant.
Incredibly Big Machine.
Incredibly Big Monopoly.
Industry's Biggest Mistake.
Incredibly Boring Machine.
Incredibly Brilliant Marketing.
Incredibly Brutal Motherfucker.
Inefficient But Marketable.
Inept Bull Meter.
Inert Blue Monoliths.
Inferior But Marketable.
Infernal Bonehead Machines.
Infernal Bloody Monopoly.
Inherently Bogus Measurements.
Insipid Brainless Monster.
Insolence Breeds Mediocrity.
Installed By Masochists.
Installed By Mistake.
Institute of Broken Minds.
Institute of Black Magic.
Integrated Bad Manners.
Intelligent Bull Meter.
Intensely Boring Machines.
Interactive Boot Machines.
Intercourse Beats Masturbation.
Intergalactic Brotherhood of Muthafuckas.
Internal Bowel Movement.
International Ballistic Missiles.
International Big Mother.
International Big Mouth.
International Brotherhood of Magicians.
International Buraeucracy Merchants.
International Business Machines.
International Business Manipulators.
Intrepid Bureaucratic Madness.
Involuntary Bowel Movement.
Iron Brain Masters.
Italian Branch of the Mafia.
Italian Business Men.
It Beats Mattel.
It'll Be Messy.
It's a Big Machine.
It's a Blue Monolith.
It's Better Manually.
It's Big Money.
It's Black Magic.
It's Blue Magic.
It's Boring Me.
It's Broken, Mommy.
It's Busted, Man.
Itty Bitty Machines.
Itty Bitty Manuals.
Itty Bitty Minds.
Itty Bitty Monopoly.
Itty Bitty Morons.
I've Been Misled.
I've Been Molested.
I've Been Moved.
I've Been Mugged.

IBM PC:
I've Blown My Power Circuits.

Icon:
I Can't Operate Numbers.

IMHO (In My Humble Opinion):
Idiots Manage High Office.
Inane Marketing Hold-Over.
Individual Maintenance Health Organization.

Iowa:
Idiots Out Wandering Around.
I Owe the World an Apology.

IROC (International Race Of Champions):
I'm Really Out of Cash.
Italian Retard Out Cruising.
I Race Other Cars.
I Run Over Children.
Italian Retard Out Cruising.
It's Really Only a Camaro.

IRS:
Income Reduction Service.

Japan:
Jump And Pump All Night.

Jeep:
Just Eats Every Part.

Kaypro:
Keeping All Yuppies' Personal Records Organized.

KGB:
Kick Gorby's Butt.
KISS Gorby's Butt.

LISP:
Lots of Inane Silly Parentheses.
Lots of Inane Singular Parentheses.

LTD:
Long Term Debt.
Lousy Transportation, Dammit.

Mac:
Mainly Active in Court.
Malformed Apple Computer.
Man Against Computer.
Many Amateurs Computing.
Miserable At Computing.
Mono-tasking for All Computers.
Monstrously Aggravating Coding.
More Apple poop.
Most Atrociously Crappy.
Most Avoid Color.
Mouse Activated Computer.
Multitasking Applications? Can't!
Mundane And Costly.
My Autistic Computer.

MSM (Madras & Southern Mahratta Railway):
Mail Slowly Moving.

Mazda:
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along.

MBA:
Married But Available.
Money Buys Anything.

Mercedes:
Money Envy Reliably Causes Every Derogatory Expletive to Surface.

MG:
Might Go.
Money Guzzler.

MIG:
Missed It, Gadaffi.
Missed It, Goddammit.

Mopar:
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously.
Mostly Old Parts And Rust.
Most Often Passed At Races.
My Old Pig Ain't Running.
My Only Problems Are Repairs.

MRE (Meals Ready to Eat):
Meals Ready to Explode.
Meals Rejected by Ethiopians.

MS-DOS (Micro Soft Disc Operating System):
Maybe Some Day an Operating System.

Mustang:
Massively Ugly Shitpile That's Always No Good.

NFS (Network File System):
No File Safe.
No File Saved.

Nissan:
Never I Shall Steal Another Nissan.

Olds:
One Leak, Dead Starter.

Oldsmobile:
Oh, Look, Dammit! Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot's Leaking
Everything.
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly
Late Everyday.
Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Out-dated By Infamies Like Edsel.

OS (operating system):
Oh, shoot.

PC (personal computer):
Piece 'a Chit.
Primitive Calculator.
Pseudo-Computer.

Pinto:
Performance Is Not The Object.
Put In New Transmission Often.
Put In Nickel To Operate.
Pyrotechnics Is Naturally The Object.

Plymouth:
Please Let Your Mother Out from Under The Hood.
Pussy Lips in Your MOUTH.

Pontiac:
Poor Old N**** Thinks It's A Cadillac.

Porsche:
Piece Of Retired Scrap, Continually High Expense.

Probe:
Plainly Runs Only By Exception.

Procrastinate:
People Rarely Obtain Coveted Rewards After Scheduling Tasks Into
Never-Attainable Time Elements.

PTL (Praise the Lord):
Pacify The Loonies.
Padres Tickle Ladies.
Pagans Teaching Love.
Pain The Logical.
Panhandlers Turned Lorders.
Pardon The Lapse.
Pardon The Lies.
Part Tammy's Lips.
Part The Lips.
Part Thy Legs.
Pass The Ladies.
Pass The Lobster.
Pass The Loot.
Pass The Lube.
Pathetic, Those Losers.
Paw Those Labia.
Pay Tammy's Lawyers.
Pay The Lady.
Pay The Lawyers.
Pay The Liar.
Pay The Lord.
Pay To Lucifer.
Penchant To Leer.
Penis, Tax, Lord.
Penis To Labia.
Pennies Taken Liberally.
People To Loathe.
Pilfered Thousands, Lord.
Pillage The Lost.
Pills, Tranquilizers, Ludes.
Pinheads To Lummoxes.
Pivot Thy Loins.
Pleasing The Libidos.
Plot To Lust.
Plunder The Laymen.
Plunder The Losers.
Poke The Lady.
Poontang Taken Liberally.
Poor Tammy's Loaded.
Poverty To Luxury.
Praise Tammy's Lungs.
Praise The Libido.
Praise The Loot.
Praise To Lust.
Prayers Too Late.
Preachers Take Loot.
Preachers Televised Loudly.
Preachers Telling Lies.
Preachers That Lie.
Preachers, Thieves, Liars.
Preachers To Lechers.
Preachers To Leeches.
Predisposed To Larceny.
Pretend To Love.
Pretty Tammy Lies.
Pretzels To Lobsters.
Price The Lord.
Prison Term Likely.
Prison Term Long.
Privy To Larceny.
Profit, Then Loss.
Promise Them Lies.
Prone To Lust.
Propositional Temporal Logic.
Pry The Loot.
Pursue The Ladies.
Pussy Tastes Lovely.

RPG:
Russian Programming Group.

Russia:
Rape Until She Screams In Agony.

Saab:
Send Another Auto Back.
Slick As A Brick.
Something An Asshole Bought.
Stupid Arrogant Asshole Babies.
Such An Arrogant Bastard.
Swedish Auto Always Broken.
Swedish Autos Are Best.

SCUD:
Saddam Can't Understand Dick.
Saddam Clearly Understands D-day.
Saddam's Closest Used Dodge.
Saddam Completely Useless Defense.
Saddam Cracked-Up Dick.
Saddam Cruddy Unpredictable Duds.
Saddam Cruel Unexpected Destructor.
Seldom Causes Unfortunate Deaths.
Shoddy, Clumsy, Unreliable Devices.
Should Cause Unnecessary Deaths.
Should Cause Uproar in Damscus.
Should Cause, Could, Usually Doesn't.
Should Cause Crash Unnoticed in Desert.
Somewhat Clumsy Unguidable Device.
Sorry, Can't Understand Directions.
Still Considered Under Development.
Stupid Cowards Usually Die.
Stupid Crazy Ugly Dictator.
Super Clumsy Unreliable Device.
System Currently Under Development.

Sh*t:
Sam Houston Institute of Technology |almost really existed!|.
Supreme Head of Intelligence Targeting |almost really existed!|.

Shoot to kill:
Seriously High-strung On-road Off-road Totally Torn On
Keeping Incandescent Lasers Lighted.

Spam:
Scientifically Produced Artificial Meat.
Sick People's Alternate Meat.
Silly Putty And Mud.
Slimy Pressed Animal Matter.
Spiced Pink Anti Meat.

SPSF (Southern Pacific Santa Fe railroad):
Shouldn't Paint So Fast.

ST (Atari ST computers):
Senseless Turbidity.
Silly Toy.
Sixteen Thirtytwo.
Slow Technology.
Slow Thing.
Still Trying.
Stupid Terminal.
Superior Technology.

Subaru (read backwards):
U-R-A-BUS.

SUN: Some UNIX Nerds.
Single User network.

Toyota:
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto.

TRW Thomson-Ramo-Woolridge:
Thompson Rubber Works.
Tiajuana Radio Works.
Trojan Rubber Works.
Turkeys Running Wild.

UCLA (Univ. of Calif. at Los Angeles):
University of Caucasians Lost among Asians.

UCI (Univ. of Calif. at Irvine):
Under Construction Indefinitely.
University of Chinese Immigrants.

UP (Union Pacific railroad):
Union (like onion) Pathetic.

USC (Univ. of Southern Calif.):
University of Spoiled Children.

VAX:
Virgin At Xerox.

VW:
Virtually Worthless.
Image
Independence is my happiness, and I view things as they are, without regard to place or person; my country is the world, and my religion is to
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