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icewolf132
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Post by icewolf132 »

a joke that came up durring an IM chat (those who were there can guess what wink formed this in my mind ;))

Stormtrooper: "nice suit, what did it cost you?"

Vader: "an arm and two legs."
Star Trekkin' across the universe, because I STILL can't find reverse!

Usage Permission; All are free to use and edit my work in any way they see fit, so long as credit is given where it is due.
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Post by blindeye01 »

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"
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Post by jolt »

^-LOL to everything above.
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Post by blindeye01 »

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate all the stupid jokes people make about me." Cheney reassured him by saying, "Jokes can't hurt you. They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, I'll show you what I mean."

Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver, "Please take me to 261 M street to see if I'm home, " said Cheney.

Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney then rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, "Oh, I guess I'm not there! Take us back to where we started, please."

The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over and said to Dubya, "You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you go! Don't worry about their opinions!"

Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better." Then he winked and whispered, "Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called instead!
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Post by blindeye01 »

Liberal media: Whiny, bitching, cry-baby conservatives love to prattle on and on about the "liberal media." To be fair, except for FOX News (Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, John Gibson, Neil Cavuto, Steve Doocy, E.D. Hill, Brian Kilmeade, Brit Hume), Clear Channel, Laura Ingraham, Dr. Laura, Rush Limbaugh, Hugh Hewitt, Ann Coulter, Newsmax, G. Gordon Liddy, Michael Reagan, Michael Savage, The New York Post, Sinclair Broadcast Group (WLOS13, Fox 45, WTTO21, WB49, KGAN, WICD, WICS, WCHS, WVAH, WTAT, WSTR, WSYX, WTTE, WKEF, WRGT, KDSM, WSMH, WXLV, WURN, KVWB, KFBT, WDKY, WMSN, WVTV, WEAR, WZTV, KOTH, WYZZ, WPGH, WGME, WLFL, WRLH, WUHF, KABB, WGGB, WSYT, WTTA), David Horowitz, Rupert Murdoch, PAX, and MSNBC's Joe Scarborough, they're right.
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Post by Twitch »

Did I read that sign right? 8O

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER......PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT
GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR
FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE
DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T
WORK)
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Post by blindeye01 »

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
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Post by Harrie »

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA.....
The Roman Empire did not create prosperity and come to be feared by having meetings and doing paperwork; they did this by killing all who opposed them.
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Post by jolt »

Very acute, I like.
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Post by blindeye01 »

Who is Jack Schitt?

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children, Holie Schitt, the twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school drop-out.

After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe Later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brother in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bida, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can corrrect them.
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Post by Andrew_Of_Borg »

BMW: Black Man's W*lly :lol:
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Post by blindeye01 »

Blondes Fight Back

1. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

2. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.

3. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure ?
No one else wants it.

4. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners ?
So brunettes can remember them.

5. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes ?
Invisible.

6. What is the difference between a brunette and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

7. What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"
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Post by Twitch »

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign .." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket." Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving poop out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
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Post by blindeye01 »

Finally, some fresh ideas for the home answering "service"...


WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.


Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.


Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done...(Cachunk!)


Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.


Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air. (or)
Hello, you're caller number nine!


(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and (BEEP)


E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name
and number, and prepare to die.


This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious."


Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.


I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.


I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.


Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP


(Rod Sterling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead-this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".


Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.


This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.


I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.


(Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.


Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.


The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.


You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.


(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.


You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message
after the beep.


Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.


Hello, this is Sid. I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson .38 in the other. Leave a message or the puppy gets it.


My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.


Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.


A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.


Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.


(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.


The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.


Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's
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Post by Harrie »

What you should say before sending off a long list of random jokes:

Warning: Proceed with care; beware falling innuendo, dumb Presidents, wacky Brits, insane Chinamen, School-aged idiots, Alabama drivers, and various other unsanctioned hazards that may cause bouts of inane laughter and possibly be detrimental to ones sanity. Thank you and have a nice day.
The Roman Empire did not create prosperity and come to be feared by having meetings and doing paperwork; they did this by killing all who opposed them.
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