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Twitch
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Post by Twitch »

A redneck family from the hill's was visiting the city and they were in the mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around the mall while the wife shopped. They were amazed at everything that they saw, but was especially amazed at the two silver wall's that could slide apart and then close again.
The boy asked.....Paw, what's that!!.
The father (never haveing seen an elevator before) responded, ''Son, I dunno......I an't ever seen anything like that before in my life!!
While the boy and father watched with amazment, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the slver doors and pushed a button.
The silver wall's opened......the lady rolled between them and into a small room.
The wall's closed.......the boy and his father watched the numbers above the doors light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number.......then, watched as the lights went in reverse order.
The silver doors opened suddenly.........and a gorgeous, voluptuous.....24 year old blonde women stepped out.
The father, not takeing his eye's off of the beautiful blonde said quietly.........''Boy''......Go get Yo' Momma!!
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blindeye01
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Post by blindeye01 »

12 Tips from Lower than Manager Employees to Managers on:
How to Enhance their Relationship:

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
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Twitch
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Post by Twitch »

It was the first day of school, and the teacher was establishing the fact that she would take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While she was taking a head count, she was told by one boy, "My name is Johnny F*ckhauer."

The teacher said, "There will be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your real name."

The kid said, "No, Really, my name is Johnny F*ckhauer. You can go across the hall and ask my brother if you don't believe me."

Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the classroom door. There was no teacher in the classroom so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have a F*ckhauer in here?"

"Hell no," replied a kid in the front row, "We don't even get a damn cookie break!"
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blindeye01
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Post by blindeye01 »

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"
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Post by phasertech »

O.K., here's mine, please tell me if it's too lame.

why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side.

why did the rooster cross the road? to prove he wasn't chicken.

why did the rooster die? he got hit by a car.

why did the duck cross the road? 'cos he wanted to.

why did the duck die? let's just say he wasn't looking where he was going.

why did the chicken cross the road? to get to the other side.

why did the chicken live?

it waited for the "walk" signal. special7.gif
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Post by Harrie »

well, its not quite a gut buster but it is amusing.
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blindeye01
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Post by blindeye01 »

Jesus and Moses go out for a round of golf. Somewhere around hole 7, Jesus gets himself into a bad position, with a large water trap between him and the hole. Moses says to him: "Take two shots and go around."

Jesus says, "No, I can make this shot. I saw Tiger Woods do it at the last U.S. Open." He hits the ball, and off it goes into the water.

Moses parts the water, walks out, gets the ball, and comes back. Then he says to Jesus, "OK. You tried. Now take two shots and go around."

Jesus says, "No, I'm telling you, I can do this. I saw Tiger Woods make this exact same shot at the last U.S. Open."

He takes the shot, and off it goes into the drink. Again, Moses parts the water and retrieves Jesus's ball.

Moses says, "OK. I'm telling you. Take two shots and go around."

Jesus says, "And I'm telling YOU, I can MAKE THIS SHOT. I saw Tiger Woods make the exact same shot at the last U.S. Open."

Moses replies, "Well, I'm not gonna fetch your ball again."

"Whatever," says Jesus, and takes the shot.

Off it goes into the drink again. Jesus looks at Moses who is standing there with his arms crossed, shrugs his shoulders, and walks off across the water to get his ball.

Meanwhile, a foursome which has been playing the hole behind the pair comes up and sees this. One of them turns to Moses and says, "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus Christ?"

Moses replies, "No! He thinks he's Tiger Woods!"
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Post by Harrie »

Redneck Huting tip of the day:
The Roman Empire did not create prosperity and come to be feared by having meetings and doing paperwork; they did this by killing all who opposed them.
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Post by Twitch »

I went to the gas station yesterday and told the cashier I wanted $5 worth of gas. He farted and gave me a receipt. 8O
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Post by Porty »

WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE


Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot, and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted - and had his own remote .



THE END
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blindeye01
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Post by blindeye01 »

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he dropped in on one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a accident either."
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Post by Harrie »

that's a good one. :lol: I could see that happening.
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Post by Numbazix »

LOL! special7.gif Certainly not a great loss 8O .
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Post by CaptSyf »

:lol: That one is always a funny one. I remember that one being used back in the Reagan Years, then Daddy Bush, then Clinton.It's funny no matter which president is referred to by it.
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Post by fetalmonkey »

hahaha very nice old friend
he will be missed
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