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Betsy the cow

Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 5:47 pm
by that_guy
Betsy the Cow and Ferdinand the Bull are standing on opposite sides of the fence.

Betsy motions for Ferdinand the Bull to come over and goes "moo"

Ferdinand the Bull starts grunting and takes a running leap over the fence, lands and continues to grunt.

Betsy turns to Ferdinand and says "So, I hear your Ferdinand the Bull."

To which Ferdinand replies "Just call me Ferdinand. That fence was higher than I thought."

:lol: :roll:

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 3:32 am
by kips
What did the Producer say to the Vulcan appearing in a death scene?

I don't know what did the Producer say to the Vulcan?

Where's the emotion!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

A.A.A.D.D.

Posted: Thu Nov 03, 2005 9:22 am
by Harrie
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on
the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the
trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is
full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out
the trash first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I
take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only
one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk
where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the
Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put
it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on
the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading
glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going
to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container
with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be
looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on
the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where
it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on
the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels
and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was
planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't
paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the
flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my
checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm
really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm
really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some
help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you
know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

Posted: Fri Nov 11, 2005 11:23 pm
by blindeye01
George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he invites questions. One little boy puts up his hand, and the President asks him his name. "Billy!" "And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions," says the boy. "First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? and Third - whatever happened to Osama bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George W Bush informs the children that they will continue after recess. When they resume, the President says: "Okay where were we? Oh that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and asks his name. "Steve!" "And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions: First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third - whatever happened to Osama bin Laden? Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? and Fifth - what happened to Billy?"

Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 1:22 am
by Phoenix
Symptoms of the BIRD FLU...

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to poop on someone's windshield.


Girls night out...

HHHHmmmmmm .....
Why females should avoid a girls night after they are married:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well,
the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got
in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3
times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another
9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a
quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a
possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I
told him "Midnight". He didn't seem p.i.s.s.e.d off at all. Whew! Got
away
with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock". "When I asked him why", he
said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh
sh#t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3
times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then tripped over the coffee
table and f.a.r.t.e.d."


Biggest misunderstanding ever ....

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here
soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby potographer rang
the
doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to..." Oh, no need to explain. I've been
expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave
everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and
perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too...
you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. but if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, my, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and
out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his
briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was
done on
the top of a bus."
"Oh my gawd!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. "And
these
twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was
so
difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to
get a
good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes,"
the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother
was
constantly squealing and yelling, I could hardly concentrate!

Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs.
Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um..."
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that
we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"


OK, THAT ONE WAS A BIT ROUGH, BUT COME ON! IT WAS FUNNY!


14 Things to do while waiting for your wife in a store:

. 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys
when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute
intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies
toilet.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone:
'Code 3 in Housewares... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department? and tell other shoppers
you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from
the
Bedding Department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask:
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick
your nose.

10. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk
if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the
theme from Mission Impossible.

12. Hide in a clothing rack .. . . and when people browse through,
say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor
and assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices
again!!!"

14. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then
yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"



The Sparrow's Tale . . .

Once upon a time there was a non conforming sparrow who decided not
to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that
he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid.

A cow passed by where he had fallen, and cr*pped on the little sparrow.
The Sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and
defrosted his wings! Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by and heard the chirping. The cat cleared
away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of this story: Everyone who cr*ps on you is not necessarily your enemy. Everyone who gets you out of cr*p is not necessarily your
friend. And if you're warm and happy in a pile of cr*p, you might just want to keep your mouth shut!!!!!.



Signs of Intelligence at an IT Helpdesk . . . .

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one....

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good, I'll make a note..."
Customer: No, wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... It's still on my desk...Sorry!

Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male Customer: Hello..... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Everytime I try it says 'Can't find printer.'
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it....

Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah .... that one does work!

A customer couldn't get on the internet....
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five Stars.

Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry..... Internet Explorer....

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a cute screensaver on my computer, but everytime I move the mouse, it disappears!

Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail
Helpdesk: Ok, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?...


I APOLOGIZE UP FRONT TO ALL LAWYERS OUT THERE FOR THIS ONE...

The Lawyer:
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, " First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painfull illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrased, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities
requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep,
completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea"

And the lawyer says, "So.... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?!"

Posted: Mon Nov 21, 2005 9:19 pm
by Harrie
An army 2Lt. is taking his platoon on patrol when his scouts come running back and says, "Sir, there's a Marine standing in the way of the road".

The Lt. scoffs and sends a fire team to go investigate and remove the Marine.

They approach the Marine and he begins to head for a small ridge on the side of the road and motions for them to follow.

As the rest of the platoon advances and takes cover they hear yelling and screaming.

The Marine emerges a couple minutes later and dusts himself off and again stands in the middle of the road.

The Lt. curses and calls for a squad to remove the Devil Dog.

He again heads down to s small ridge and they follow.

Once again there is blood-curdling screaming and weeping.

And AGAIN the Marine emerges and dusts himself off.

Bewildered and pissed off, the Lt. sends all but his platoon Sgt. down and says, "Eliminate that jarhead". They run towards him and again follow him to the ridge.

The screaming begins again and suddenly a specialist comes running up,
bloody, his cammies all mangled. The Lt. is in shock and says, "What the hell is going on out there soldier?"

Gasping for breath the soldier replies, "It's a trick sir!! There's two of em."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I figured it'd be easier on my life insurance to post this one and not the army's version. :D

Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 9:23 am
by Phoenix
Right, Harrie, now that I've stopped laughing (seriously!), that was classic!

Nowwwww . . . .

Did you know that the first cooldrink was mentioned in the Bible?
Moses struck the rock, and so-da water ran.

Also, the first drunk was mentioned in the Bible . . . .
Moses was found motherless in the bullrushes!

Over to you!

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 12:53 am
by Phoenix
Confucious say:
Secretary not permanent feature until nailed on desk. :lol: 8) :twisted: