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Post by AFC »

Star Trek '98:
How Bill Gates defeated the Star Fleet


If some of you is still thinking about whether updating to Win '98 or not, read what's below...

Captain's log. Stardate 9801.1

We are having some problems with the computer of the Enterprise.
It seems that these problems are caused by the conflicts of the
new operative system the Federation gave us together with the
ship. However, Mr Spock is doing his best to fix the situation.

Kirk: Mr Spock, how is it going on?
Spock: Not too well, Captain. It looks as if the new operative system has overwritten the whole memory of our computer with new commands.
Kirk: And what is it doing now?
Spock: As far as I know, it's trying to recognize all the components of the ship.
Kirk: Let's give a look at it.

The main screen turns on, displaying a writing:

Please wait: new hardware is being recognized.

Sulu: Captain, I'm receiving a message from the navigating system. It seems there are problems with the Warp nucleus.
Kirk: What sort of problems?
Sulu: It seems that the computer can't recognize the Warp nucleus. It's configurating it as a... steam engine!
Kirk: Steam... engine?
Spock: It's an ancient vehicle, Captain. Earthlings used it until the first half of the 20th century.
Kirk: I know what a steam engine is, Spock. But I can't understand why the computer should see one in our engine room.

Enter Scott.

Scott: Captain, that damned computer is poking his nose into my engine room. It's keeping on saying "Unsufficient memory to run the application". I've tried to make it understand that I don't want to run any "application" but it doesn't listen to me.
Kirk: Get back down, Scotty, and see what you can do.
Scott: I'm going, Captain, but that guy's a block-head, trust me.

Scott enters the turbolift and leaves.

Kirk: Mr Spock, when did the computer give the last sign of life? I mean, intelligent life.
Spock: Well, if we can say "life"... When he asked "Are you sure you want to install Windows 98? Yes/No".
Sulu: Sir, a new message from the computer.

The screen reads:

Can't access the engine room: device not ready.
Kirk: Scotty, what's happening down there?
Voce di Scott: You tell me, Captain. It seems that the computer isolated the dilithium crystals.
Kirk: Uhura, call 1-800-Starfleet and ask them how to remove this new operative system.
Uhura: Captain, our lines are all busy. It looks as if the computer is trying to communicate with an alien entity.
Kirk: What sort of alien entity?
Uhura: Can't say for sure, Sir. The computer refers to it as "The Microsoft Network".
Spock: Captain, perhaps I've found a way to restart the computer with the former system.
Kirk: Turn on the screen.

The screen shows an image of the Earth in false colours, mainly red, yellow and gray. The corners read "Safe mode".

Kirk: Spock, what does this mean?
Spock: We've restarted with a minimal configuration, Captain. All bridges have been excluded.
Chekov: Captain, we have a trouble with the teleport system!
Kirk: And now this! What's happening?
Chekov: We were beaming Commander Decker up, but the computer stopped the trasfer.

A window appears on the screen:

Link problems: the object "Commander Decker" to which
the link refers has been deleted or moved. The more
similar object for size, date and type is


Should I refer the link to this object? Yes/No.

Kirk: But what does this mean?
Spock: I think that the computer is suggesting to exchange Commander Decker with an Internet browser.
Kirk: A browser? But that's illogical!
Spock: This time, I perfectly agree with you, Captain.

Enter McCoy.

McCoy: Jim! The computer's gone bye-bye! It refuses to let me in the sickbay, it calls me "device" and says I'm not "ready or connected"!
Kirk: We have some problems, Bones. But we are fixing them.
McCoy: Fix'em fast, then. Good heavens, I'm a doctor, not a device!
Spock: You see, doctor... To the computer, or more precisely, to the operative system, you and a device look like the same thing.
McCoy: Listen to me, you half elf. If you can really understand that damned computer, tell it to let me in my sickbay. And tell it also that my patients can't be turned off and then on again!
Kirk: What?
McCoy: Yeah! That silly machine is keeping on saying my patients don't answer it, and that's obvious, as they are sleeping, and it suggests to try turning 'em off and then on again!
Kirk: Spock, did you read the installation manual?
Spock: It was the first thing I've done, Captain. But in the "troubleshooting" section the manual is not very helpful.
Kirk: Not very helpful?
Spock: "For any other problem, consult the on-line guide".
Kirk: And what does the on-line guide say?
Spock: "Information contained in this section of the troubleshooting section can't help. For more information, read hardware documentation or contact hardware manifacturer's technical help."
Kirk: And what does this mean, in your opinion?
Spock: I think it means we have to contact Starfleet.
Kirk: But we can't! What does your logic suggest you?
Spock: My logic, Captain, suggested not to install Windows 98. But Starfleet insisted. They said this was the only way for us to have long names.
Kirk: Long... names?
Spock: Yes, Captain. Names with more that eight characters. As you probably have noticed, none on the Enterprise has a name which is longer than eight characters.
Kirk: Yeah... and I've been always wondering why.
Sulu: But, Mr Spock, the Enterprise's name is ten characters long!
Spock: That's true, Mr Sulu. But that's a disk label. Human beings, as you should know, don't own disk labels.
McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a disk!
Uhura: Captain, I've contacted someone!
Kirk: Starfleet?
Uhura: No, Captain. It's the Reliant. It seems they're having some trouble with their computer, too.
Kirk: What do they say?
Uhura: Well... Their computer said that we should enter our IP address to start Remote Access.
Kirk: Spock, have we got an IP address?
Spock: Of course, Captain, all the Federation's ships have one.
Kirk: And can't we transmit it to the Reliant's computer?
Spock: Unfortunately not. You see, Starfleet haven't told us our IP address yet.
Chekov: Captain! Klingon vessel closing!
Kirk: Red alert! Mr Chekov, their distance?
Chekov: Can't say for sure. Our sensors are all off... Captain! The Klingons have stopped!
Kirk: What are they doing?
Spock: It seems that their computer started a program called "Disk defragmentation utility". Probably it's a new sort of weapon.
Chekov: Captain! They're attacking us!

An explosion shakes the Enterprise.

Kirk: Sulu, any damage?
Sulu: Nothing serious. Only a few casualties on bridge seven.
Kirk: But what happened?
Spock: It seems that the "Disk defragmentation utility" has caused an unrecoverable failure to they Warp nucleus. In short, they self-destructed. And, Captain...
Kirk: Yes, Spock?
Spock: They had installed Windows 98, too.
Kirk: But this means the Enterprise is doomed, too!
Spock: Perhaps no, if we don't run our system utilities.
Voce di Scott: Captain! Everything's gone here!
Kirk: Don't panic, Scotty. What happened?
Scott: Damn me if I know! All our screens turned blue saying we had unrecoverable failures! They suggest to press CTRL+ALT+DEL!
Uhura: Captain! I'm receiving a call!
Kirk: On screen!


It is now safe to turn off your computer.
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Post by Raptor »

That's great....*sends to friends*
If you want a free custom sig, send me a PM or email ( Raptor226@gmail.com ).
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Post by tomlinsona1 »

harsh, but unfortunatly true....... :lol: :roll:
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Post by Elrond »

LoL. Bill-gatus of Borg.
I am alive but for all intents and purposes, on this site and MSFC where everyone now thinks I'm some malicious criminal, I am deceased as of February 2021. Been inactive for over a decade anyway, may as well make it official.
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Post by Majestic »

Yeah I read that before on another site. Funny and sadly true.
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Post by Twitch »

Yeah but the alternative is being in league with those smugassed Mac prickks who love the smell of their own farts!
The Borg will rock your world!
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Post by znite94 »

Ha! That's pretty funny. special7.gif
In a Galaxy where disorder reigns, there is the USS BLAZER
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