Jokes

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Jokes

Post by Dr_Breen » Wed Apr 30, 2008 8:42 pm

The old AFC board had no jokes thread. but now the new one has one

here's the first one:

Things we will never see in Trek:

10. The Holodeck works as it is supposed to work

9. Voyager runs out of shuttles and torpedoes

8. Wesley gets beaten up

7. Enterprise meets a dangerous enemy and retreats

6. Enterprise picks up an emergency transmission and another ship takes care of it

5. Ops officer announces a ship within the range of vision and nobody says "on screen!"

4. Enterprise starts for a Routine Flight...and nothing happens...the ship simply reports back at the base two weeks later


3. Enterprise does not only fire 2 shots and waits then for the opponent to fire back.

2. an unkown security officer beams down on a planet and survives.

1. Enterprise's shields are holding!
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Post by thunderchero » Wed Apr 30, 2008 9:44 pm

OK time to ack like administrator,

Please watch your languge and content when posting jokes, there is no age restriction on member if any post have improper content it will be deleted. And warning sent.

thunderchero

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Post by carcher » Wed May 07, 2008 4:05 pm

@Dr Breen
Eber3 has a great joke about spam :wink: Ask him to post it and help get the
ball rolling :)
for the world is hollow and i have touched the sky....and one day mickar.....one day.....one sweet day......HAS ARRIVED!! HAPPY DAYS :D

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Post by jonboylondon » Thu May 08, 2008 4:45 pm

45 things you never hear on star trek

1) The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered before.

2) The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists who are all perfectly all right.

3) The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.

4) The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.

5) The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.

6) An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

7) A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

8 ) A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.

9) The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.

10 ) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11) The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.

12) The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.

13) The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify with candy.

14) The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in no way connected with the 20th century.

15) Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.

16) A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, and some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

17) The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.

18 ) The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny day.

19) An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."

20 ) A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.

21) Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."

22) Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!

23) Picard walks up to a replicator and says, "Coke on ice."

24) Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

25) Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.

26) Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"

27) When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."

28 ) Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.

29) Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).

30 ) Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.

31) Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).

32) The warp engines start acting up a bit, but then seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

33) Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.

34) Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.

35) Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.

36) Data falls in love with the replicator.

37) Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

38 ) The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

39) An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.

40 ) Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

41) Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.

42) Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)

43) Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.

44) Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics

45) Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
Monks: Pie Jesu Domine, dona eis requiem
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Post by eber3 » Fri May 09, 2008 2:38 pm

Everybody has heard of Spam, the generic canned ham, but have you heard of Smeat? It is a Spam wanna be that exists in discount stores.

Spam is prechewed ham, and Smeat is predigested Spam.

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Post by eber3 » Fri May 09, 2008 2:49 pm

A duck walks into a bar looks at the bartender and asks "Got any crackers?"

The bartender, in shock, mumbles "No." and the duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back in and asks "Got any crackers?"

The bartender answers "No." and the duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back in and asks "Got any crackers?"

The bartender answers "I already told you No." and the duck turns around and leaves.

The next day the duck walks back in and asks "Got any crackers?"

The bartender gets mad and says "I've told you and told you, I don't have any crackers! If you ask me again I'll nail your feet to the floor!"

The duck turns around and leaves.

The next day the duck walks into the bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender glares back silently daring the duck to ask for crackers. After several minutes the duck asks "Got any nails?"

The surprised bartender answers "No."

The duck asks "Got any crackers?"

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Post by carcher » Sat May 10, 2008 11:50 am

you're on a roll now Eber :)
what about this one to continue the bar and birds theme?

a tiny baby penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman
" have you seen my daddy"

the barman looks down at him and says
! i don't know... whats he look like?"
for the world is hollow and i have touched the sky....and one day mickar.....one day.....one sweet day......HAS ARRIVED!! HAPPY DAYS :D

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Post by carcher » Sat May 10, 2008 11:55 am

@Dr breen and Jonboy
You missed out the one where Worf fires a phaser at someone ,and actually hits them with his first shot
for the world is hollow and i have touched the sky....and one day mickar.....one day.....one sweet day......HAS ARRIVED!! HAPPY DAYS :D

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Post by garek » Mon May 12, 2008 2:10 pm

A United States Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a ranch and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for errosion and your water allocation.â€
Check your 6 a sqadron of K'vorts is decloaking

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Post by sean_west » Mon May 12, 2008 2:15 pm

I used to hate weddings,
all the old dears would poke me and say,
"you'll be next".

They soon stopped,
when I started doing the same to them

At funnerals.
Like the bad guy from so many horror films,

I have returned

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Post by carcher » Mon May 12, 2008 2:16 pm

not bad garek eber3 can use that one in his stand up routine!
what about a vote at the end of the month for the best post?
for the world is hollow and i have touched the sky....and one day mickar.....one day.....one sweet day......HAS ARRIVED!! HAPPY DAYS :D

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Post by carcher » Mon May 12, 2008 3:08 pm

A man staggers into the A+E unit with concussion multiple bruises and a golf club wrapped tightly round his neck.

"What happend to you"said the nurse

"well i was playing golf with my wife "He replied "And we both sliced our balls into a farmers field full of cows.I climbed the fence to go and look for them,and i finally found one ...., stuck up a cows arse would you believe? ,so i shouted over to the wife this one looks like yours love!...... i dont remember much after that"
for the world is hollow and i have touched the sky....and one day mickar.....one day.....one sweet day......HAS ARRIVED!! HAPPY DAYS :D

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Post by jonboylondon » Thu May 15, 2008 5:54 pm

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D !!!!!!!!!!!!!

:roll:
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Post by carcher » Thu May 15, 2008 7:22 pm

Good one jonboy
keep 'em coming :lol:
perhaps you could post a picture of yourself,dressed up, in your pearly king outfit :)
that would go down great! ....with me anyway 8)
for the world is hollow and i have touched the sky....and one day mickar.....one day.....one sweet day......HAS ARRIVED!! HAPPY DAYS :D

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Post by jonboylondon » Thu May 15, 2008 7:40 pm

Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed
that the new program began making unexpected changes to the
accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower
and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the produc
brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs
such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and
installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3,
Saturday Football 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the
system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or
HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband
1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited
effectiveness. Can you help, please!!

Sincerely, XXX

Dear XXX:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is
mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from
Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is
merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few
applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0,
because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating
files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate
Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files
from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be
installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited
memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband
1.0.

In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite
applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have
tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these
women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You
will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled
with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just
learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read
the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs].
This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by
the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and
problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature
enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME".

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the
command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize
12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create
additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to
give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to
normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default
to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create
FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to
delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame
for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only
intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband
1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot
learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I
personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1.
Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband
1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and
you will find many valuable embedded features such as
FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install
MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will
cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will
run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is
uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install
Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck
in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this
product!

Tech Support
Monks: Pie Jesu Domine, dona eis requiem
[bonk!]

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